The Lady and the Ape

A Lady fair, of lineage high,
Was loved by an Ape, in the days gone by.
The Maid was radiant as the sun,
The Ape was a most unsightly one,
The Ape was a most unsightly one
So it would not do
His scheme fell through,
For the Maid, when his love took formal shape,
Express'd such terror
At his monstrous error,
That he stammer'd an apology and made his 'scape,
The picture of a disconcerted Ape.

With a view to rise in the social scale,
He shaved his bristles and he docked his tail,
He grew mustachios, and he took his tub,
And he paid a guinea to a toilet club,
He paid a guinea to a toilet club
But it would not do,
The scheme fell through
For the Maid was Beauty's fairest Queen,
With golden tresses,
Like a real princess's,
While the Ape, despite his razor keen,
Was the apiest Ape that ever was seen!

He bought white ties, and he bought dress suits,
He crammed his feet into bright tight boots
And to start in life on a brand new plan,
He christen'd himself Darwinian Man!
He christen'd himself Darwinian Man!
But it would not do,
The scheme fell through
For the Maiden fair, whom the monkey crav'd,
Was a radiant Being,
With a brain farseeing
While Darwinian Man, though well-behav'd,
At best is only a monkey shav'd!

For the Maiden fair, whom the monkey crav'd,
Was a radiant Being,
With a brain farseeing
While Darwinian Man, though well-behav'd,
At best is only a monkey shav'd!

W.S. Gilbert, "The Lady and the Ape" from "Princess Ida"